It's time to look at our love of anime through the eyes of a married, adult, Sailor Guardian. Codename Sailor Earth is known IRL as Koriander Bullard, but some used to know her as Koriander Ake. She's actually an author on Amazon now.
As I type this, I am beaming. Not only did I achieve the Mew Glitch, I actually did it TWICE. Months after getting Mew the legal way via Nintendo for Pokemon X and Omega Ruby, I found the Yellow cheat on my 3DS, and will now share with you how you can try this at home.
My husband loves everything to do with Fallout, so when I heard Fallout 4 was about to drop, I got a little excited. I circled on the calendar when the game was dropping, and made sure I had a place in line for the midnight launch last year. He rarely asks for anything and never shops for himself, so it felt nice to get him something he'd love.
Well since the 11/10/2015 release, he's played the game non-stop. I'm not complaining, I used to spend 6-7 hours at a time on Mega Man Legends for the PS1, and don't get me started on how many hours of my life have gone to various installments of Pokemon, so I get it. If the game has a hold on you that strong, it means it's the best of all time, right?
Eh heh. That's stretching it.
I had a bad feeling something was up, somewhere between the not so shocking twist of Shaun's fate (who names their kid Shaun??) and the 44th replay of the song 60 Minute Man, I knew something was about to crack.
Sure enough, it did.
First, after being bled dry of $60 for the game and map combo, I was slapped with a $40 "season pass" charge, which so far, hasn't gotten me very much. At that price, I could have bought a second NEW video game, or a handful of used games. On top of that, I caught a glimpse of the DLC prices and after being raped by Warner Brothers' Mortal Kombat 10 release, which now wants me to buy A SECOND $40 season pass to access and purchase the content my first pass doesn't include, I'm a little hesitant to dive into the DLC world with Fallout.
As of this writing, reports are flooding in about the Automatron DLC. Everything from sluggish load times, the content being a space hog at a GB and a half, and of course, the glitch gremlins.
But nothing is more aggravating to me right now than knowing, after two straight delays and being promised a 1:00 pm EST release for PSN customers, I am still DLC-less. And worse? Not only is Bethesda taking no responsibility over the fact that they gave the DLC early to PC and XBOX gamers, proving their favoritism for Microsoft over Sony, but now they are full-on placing blame on the latter monopoly, again refusing to own up to their own faults.
Now to be fair, that last paragraph was written at 1:00 pm EST. I paused writing this blog, and went to work at my day job.
Want to know when I actually saw the promised DLC?
11:15 pm. Quite a bit late, aren't we?
Oh sure, the installation only took ten minutes, but considering how long this was delayed, it hardly seems reasonable. The robot building is great, but I'm hoping this will be the last Fallout fiasco for the year. Wishful thinking I know, but I can dream, can't I?
Now I've been a gamer since I was in diapers. I know that despite the harsh criticism, there already is a Fallout 5 in development, even if Bethesda is going to act like they're not working on it. A few years from now, all of this drama will disappear and once again, people will be lined up a mile long for the next Fallout Midnight release party.
But next time they try this, I'd like to see a few changes.
1. More Music
Don't get me wrong. The selection is fine, it brings in a 1950's vibe that matches much of the story content, but the problem is we need MORE of it.
Considering how many songs from the 1940's and 50's are slipping into the public domain, it shouldn't be that hard. And for a game with over 400 hours of role play content, you'd think they'd add more than eight songs.
The Ink Spots' It's all over but the crying goes from sad to whiny in no time, while the South Pacific hit A Wonderful Guy makes me wish the broad would take that guy out on a date so I don't have to hear about him anymore. And while no Christmas is complete in my house without a nod from my favorite child abuser Bing Crosby, Pistol Packin' Mama has me begging the little lady to pick the pistol back up and plug the crooner once and for all.
Again, the selection is fine, but just like the old 90's Hit Clips toys, you can only hear the same note for so long before you get sick of it.
2. More Vault Boy
Let's be honest, he's the most interesting character in the entire franchise, and he was the only character worth the hour-an-eight-minutes it took for my copy of the game to install on my PS4. If not for his videos, I would have been livid, but the charming nod to old 40's and 50's wartime reels helped me pass the time.... while I was twiddling my thumbs.
A compromise would be to keep the current limit for Fallout 5, but give him a stand-alone game. No no, not another buggy app. I mean an actual video game, something in the vein of the 40's VaultTec videos with that same, sarcastic animation that made sitting through installation a real treat. I think a handheld console game is in order, folks!
3. More reasonable add-ons
Nothing makes me feel more like a dunce than spending a good chunk of my pay check on a new game and a season pass, only to find out a year later that the pass doesn't grant me squat, and if I was more patient, I could have spent $30 on a "Game of the Year" edition, which has all of the DLC pre-loaded onto a disc... the way add-ons used to be back in the early 2000's.
Which leads me to my next desire.
4. A FINISHED game!!
Remember the joy of the 80's and 90's, when a $60 game had been tested thoroughly before release? I crave the days of wiping a solution on a disc or blowing into a cartridge to dismantle a glitch gremlin.
Fallout didn't offer me any such luck. Enemies bug out and slither after being killed, Dogmeat spins around underneath bodies and that one, nasty red-head dolt keeps swimming when we're on dry land in a sewer. The mouth animations mimic stroke victims and the hair can't decide if it wants to stay put or stretch in the breeze. And don't get me started on the other game-breaking freezes I've had to sit through.
What does this spell? You guessed it, PATCHES. Patches and patches, some of which erase the "good" glitches that earn you extra caps, and replace them with *shock and awe* another broken glitch that requires another 30 minute download for a patch! We're patching patches now, people!!
On top of that, even with 400 hours of content, it's still unfinished.
That's the whole point of DLC.
You're paying for content that was supposed to be already on the disc day one.
You lie to yourself, claiming that this is "new" content, but it isn't.
This "new" DLC was just the crap the brainiacs at Bethesda weren't smart enough to cram onto the disc the first time around.
Millennials tend to stamp their feet and scream when you bring up the con that is DLC to them. They insist that you're the crazy one and that this is "normal", and all video games "had better" end up this way.
Funny. If an app game charges you for each new add-on, you cry fowl and say this is a money pit scheme. You complain that this is a scam and that this little app is draining your bank account.
But if a console game does THE EXACT SAME THING, it's "normal" and anyone who points out the money laundering that's going on, they're the "weird" ones?
Riiight. Must be fun in The Land of Make-Believe.
But by far, the #1 thing that needs to change is....
5. The colors
Look, spare me. I get it. It's a post apocalyptic blah blah blah. If its happy, it's fake, if you're miserable, it's "real" because drama is sooooo "deep".
I get it. Baby Shaun has been kidnapped, your spouse is dead. Woe, misery and grit be upon thee.
Not one spark of intelligence in this diatribe that gamers regurgitate when talking about the game's content. It's the same, word for word schpeal I get from AMC drama fanboys.
And yet here we are, 19 years after the first Fallout game hit the United States, and the same dreary, ugly landscape plagues the game right down to it's source code. In every post apocalyptic game in the series, the idea of "hope" is in concept alone, along with cleanliness, unless you're a part of The Institute, in which case, you're a germaphobe.
But beyond the gritty, moldy buildings and busted sheds is the drab color scheme. For a game that's supposed to feel "real" the color scheme is not based on any reality I've ever known, and I used to live near Gary, Indiana, the closest thing to a real-life Fallout 4 town.
"Well not everything can be Super Mario Sunshine" is the excuse I hear.
Really? Let me be clear.
We're limited to baby poop brown, dirty blue, pee yellow, puke green, silver-white and black.
The NES in 1987 was limited to 24 colors that it's games could use at a time. In fact, this is the exact palette the console could handle at the time Metal Gear Solid came out:
Now how pathetic is this, where a 1987 NES cart has more colors in it's palette than Fallout 4?
For all the graphical leaps and bounds we've made with these discs, we still can't catch up to a cartridge??
Sure, the above photo also shows a musky, mauve tint over the sky, but considering it's still part of the NES blend of colors, it's hardly worth mention.
"Oh it's so REAL!!" is the speech I'm given. "This is how the world will look when the apocalypse happens. It's just REAL."
As I mentioned before, I used to live near Gary, Indiana, again, the closest thing to a real-life Fallout as you can get without having a German Shepard beside you. Gary is mostly abandoned, falling apart, coated in mold, violent beyond reason, and much like Fallout, has suffered chemical damage from the local refineries, plants and toxic shuttles that used to be fully operational. It's a short drive from Blue Island, Illinois, which still has a legitimate and dangerous nuclear plant.
This is a real-life, un-photo-shopped photo of Gary, courtesy of BBC. Notice how in real life, there are more than 256 colors in the post apocalyptic town?
In looking at this photo, I'm seeing varying shades of red, blue and green, along with inflections of white and tan.
Know what I'm not seeing?
Baby poop brown.
Sure, I can spot some puke green in the trees, but there's also emerald and forest green mixed in. So the above photo quickly quells the "real" excuse. I guess we'll have to start using the "it's so GRITTY" tagline instead.
Fallout 4 isn't a bad game, but Bethesda needs to consider catering to the people who spend the most money on their games. There's never an excuse to bleed your customer dry, only to deliver a half-done video game.
The choice is simple. Either finish the game before release, or offer the DLC as a perk, rather than as purchasable content.
And don't act like they'd be losing money this way. The merchandise will more than make up for the sale of DLC once this nearly 20 year old fad gets put down for the highway robbery scheme that it really is.
And at $20 a bobblehead, Bethesda won't be smarting.